I’m on the train home from another little visit home and my mum seems to be responding very well to the chemo. The colour is back in her skin and her reactions are much more responsive as well as her breathing and speech being much clearer. This has been the first visit since the whole incident that she has been back to herself and it was somewhat refreshing.
Perhaps refreshing is too strong a word, I am very aware that I smell of cigarette smoke (mum has returned to smoking, she doesn’t see much point in stopping now) and really want a shower as soon as I get home! But it’s not too large a price to pay to see her looking and feeling better. We are no fools, we know this is terminal and the chemo isn’t going to cure her, just give her a bit more time. And time to make what’s left count.
I’m surprised in myself at finding a little comfort in her progress, given that only a few weeks ago I barely spoke to her and certainly had no intention of visiting. But I would be a liar to say that her diagnosis wasn’t a shock. It really shouldn’t be, she is a notorious chain smoker and has been ever since I can remember. But I think hearing that she had cancer and a possible year to live was something I honestly wasn’t prepared for. In my head, I had planned out how I would hear of her passing, because we were so estranged. And I would handle it well.
Wrong wrong wrong.
I can’t forgive nor forget what she put us all through but is there any sense in letting this drag out whilst I know she is at home, slowly dying? My mind really couldn’t settle on that approach at all, perhaps I’m a total doormat. Perhaps I’m too forgiving. Perhaps I just can’t let my mother go like that.
No one is more surprised at how I am reacting to all of this than I am, that I DO know! But she is the only mother I’ll have. My Granny raised me and she will never be forgotten. My mother will be missed, to an extent and yeah it will be sad when she does pass away. But I won’t know how to tackle that until it happens.
Really did think I was prepared mentally for this.
I was totally wrong.